


i'll be your gravity, you be my oxygen

by destielsdessert



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Attempted Sexual Assault, Crying, Even Bech Næsheim Loves Isak Valtersen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, but not completely intentional, the blackout kind
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27130733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destielsdessert/pseuds/destielsdessert
Summary: the one where isak is drugged and sexually assaulted at a party, and maybe, kind of, definitely struggles with the aftermath.
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 26
Kudos: 143





	1. without you i've got no hand to hold

Isak has no idea how he let this happen. His head is spinning. If it hadn't been for Jonas, he...

He doesn't want to think about what could have happened.

And now there's a dent in his wall and his knuckles are throbbing, but he doesn't care. Anything to take his mind off of the look that will be on Even's face when he finds out.

 _If_ he finds out. Isak can't let that happen - it would _break_ him.

He can't breathe. There's something squeezing his throat and he can't take a deep enough breath to think straight and now it's _really_ beginning to come back to him. The feeling of being pinned down against the bed, of unfamiliar lips against his own, futile attempts at pushing the much larger body off of him.

If Jonas hadn't walked in at that _exact_ moment...

All Isak knows is that he's going to be eternally grateful. He'll find some way to repay him, he _will_.

Back to the present though, and Isak _still can't breathe_. He's trying, he swears he is. But it's like his throat is closing up on him and he just _can't_. He braces one hand flat against the wall, the other lying limp and likely swollen in his hoodie pocket. He's trying to ground himself, trying to focus because he has to focus, to _breathe_ because people are going to start asking questions soon, and Even is going to be wondering why Jonas and Eskild had whisked Isak out of the party so fast that Isak hadn't even had the chance to realise that he needed to find Even.

And before he'd known it, they were homing and Isak was doing his best to shove them away and stumbling towards his room before they could force him otherwise.

And now there's blood coating his knuckles and he wants to cry because Even is going to _hate_ him. If he finds out, he's going to-

There's a knock at his door and Isak turns. "Isak?" Eskild.

Isak doesn't get the chance to reply before the door is opening and Eskild is standing in the doorway. He stares at Isak's face, probably at the tears and then his gaze shifts to the wall and then to the hand hidden in Isak's pocket. Isak swallows. He cannot handle Eskild bringing this up now, fretting and worrying and doing everything that Eskild does.

Eskild apparently takes the silent hint, eyes returning to Isak's. "Hei, um... Even is on his way." Isak squeezes his eyes shut. _Not good_. How is he supposed to lie? Even can always tell when he is lying. "Isak, listen: he knows." Isak's eyes snap back open, heart actually _stopping_. Even knows, he fucking knows - how does he know? Who told him? "Jonas told him. Well, told him as much as he knows himself."

Isak racks his brain. He can vaguely remember Jonas and Eskild yelling at someone to _find Even_. It must have been Magnus or Mahdi - they were the only other people they knew that the party. Which means they know, too. Isak hadn't really paid attention to the fact that anyone else was even there. All he could think about was Even, Even, _Even_.

But Even knows. Even knows and he's on his way here and Isak's head spins. He pushes past Eskild and rushes his way to the bathroom, barely able to reach the toilet before he's heaving, throwing up and now he's crying, can't hold it in any more. He just coughs and splitters. It's disgusting, _he's_ disgusting and he wants it all to stop, wants _Even_ to make it stop but he won't. Even is going to hate him, never going to forgive him and Isak can't bear the thought of that. Can't bear the thought of losing him because Even is on his way and when he gets here, that's what's going to happen.

Isak coughs once more, spits, then reaches up and flushes the toilet. Leaning against the bathtub, he wipes his mouth with is sleeve, wincing at the slight burning in his throat. At least he can breathe now, he thinks, but upon realising that, he begins to feel the panic start to bubble in his chest again. Even is going to be here any moment and there's going to be yelling and Even is going to break up with him and there's going to be crying and then Even is going to leave and he's not going to come back. Isak brings his hands to his knees, fists clenching. Pain erupts in his right and and he sneaks a tentative glance down, not sure if he really wants to see what he has managed to do. His knuckles are barely visible and the back of his hand is beginning to turn a slight purple. He whimpers, tears stinging his eyes and slipping down his cheeks.

A sudden bout of raised voices brings Isak from his thoughts and his head snaps towards the door. Even is here. Not good, _not good_. Isak's chest begins to rise and fall rapidly and he's starting to feel like he can't breathe all over again. He pulls his knees to his chest, forehead pressed against them. His eyes slip closed and he tries to focus on the voices from down the hall but all of the voices just swirl around in his head, making him feel dizzy. His body tenses when he hears Even's voice - he could pick out his voice from anywhere.

There's thumping: Even's footsteps. The footsteps get louder and faster as Even gets closer, mirroring Isak's heartbeat as the anticipation builds up inside of him. He braces himself for yelling the second Even reaches the door, pulling his knees tighter towards his chest.

The footsteps stop, then there's silence. Isak reflexively holds his breath and the second of silence that follows feels like an eternity. He feels his body move with every beat of his heart, like he's shaking (which he probably is).

"Isak?" Isak flinches at the sound of Even's voice, expecting something loud and angry. But Even's voice is soft, quiet, sounds worried and that doesn't make sense, sparks a feeling of uneasiness inside Isak. Why doesn't he sound angry? He should be livid, disappointed, something that isn't _worried_ \- that's not right.

So Isak stays quiet, convinced that Even must be tricking him, luring him in like a mouse moving towards a mousetrap, thinking they're safe and then _BAM!_ They're dead. Obviously Even won't kill him, but Isak thinks he'd rather that than what is bound to happen.

"Baby, it's Even," Even continues. As if there is any situation that Isak could be in where he wouldn't be able to recognise Even's voice. Isak wipes at his tears, still adamant that staying silent is the best approach to this situation. "Do you want to let me in?"

 _No_ , Isak thinks, but he knows he doesn't need to say it. The door isn't locked so really, Even should just be able to come in anyways. Isak isn't worried about that though, because he knows that Even won't come in unless Isak opens the door for him. The door is both a mental and physical barrier; so long as the door stays closed, Even will know that Isak doesn't want to talk. If Isak opens the door, he'll be letting Even in in every possible way and Even will know what to do.

Isak has no idea what he ever did to deserve this boy.

Even says nothing more and Isak continues to do the same. He can't find the courage to speak. He and Even have been through so much and he has managed to go and fuck that all up in one night. How can he have been so stupid? He has ruined everything, he's sure of it. He thinks he hears Even sit down at the other side of the door and Isak honestly doesn't understand why he's still here.

"Are you mad?"

Isak doesn't realise he's saying anything until it's out there, in the open, no taking it back. He freezes. This is the perfect opportunity for Even to reveal his true intentions, to say, _Isak, I'm fucking livid_ , and Isak is terrified. He's trembling, hands shaking and tears burning his eyes, threatening to spill over but he refuses to cry. He may be most comfortable around Even out of everyone he knows, but Isak doesn't like showing weakness. It makes him vulnerable and okay, Even would never take advantage of him - he _knows_ that - but there are some assholes out there who would.

He swallows thickly. He knows that more than ever now.

Why isn't Even answering? Isak can swear it has been ages since he asked and it's so quiet that he begins to convince himself that Even has left. That he can't even be bothered yelling because Isak isn't worth the energy and he has just _gone_.

He's crying, he realises, when he lets out a sob and he tries to hold his breath and _stop crying_ , but he just chokes on a hiccup and splutters and if Even is still there, Isak prays he can't hear it.

"No, baby, it's okay. Don't cry," Even begs, voice desperate. He's still here, he hasn't left and a wave of relief washes over Isak. "Of course I'm not mad, I could never be mad at you. I _love_ you." Isak nods to himself, letting Even's words settle in. Of course Even loves him, he knows that, he doesn't doubt that. He loves Even, too.

Isak gives in, _finally_. His body is aching, begging for Even to hold him and he wants to cry in frustration. Hesitantly, he stands up, eyeing the door almost as if it's a threat. Like opening it could either be the best possible thing or the worst possible thing, and he doesn't know which it will be. He steps forward and now he's close enough to pull the door open and let Even in. His boyfriend is on the other side, waiting _so damn_ patiently and it's that that makes Isak grip the door handle and open the door with such uncertainty that his shaking hands are probably in turn, shaking the door.

Even is standing, waiting when Isak opens the door, watching Isak with side, expectant eyes and Isak wants to break down, to just curl up into a ball and sob. Even is here now, he is actually _here_ and that means he can hold Isak, tell him everything is going to be okay, that he's safe and protected and no one else can hurt him. His eyes meet Even's and Even looks fucking devastated, looks like he has been crying even more than Isak and Isak's stomach twists with guilt because that's his fault, _he_ caused that.

Even offers him the smallest smile. "Halla," he says, voice breaking halfway through. His gaze shifts over Isak's figure before coming to rest back on his eyes. "Can I hold you?"

Isak almost whimpers; Even is so _fucking sweet_. As if Even expects him to _not_ want that, like what happened could put Isak off of it, like there's any chance that Isak could associate that with Even. He doesn't say anything, doesn't think he could if he wanted to. All he can do is nod before the tears take over again, sobs racking his body. He's trembling violently, so much so that he feels like he might explode but then there are arms snaking around his waist, pulling him into Even's embrace and Isak reacts immediately. His hands grip the back of Even's hoodie, the pain from his swollen knuckles barely even registering because he's so focused on inhaling Even's scent. It's like home, promising safety and comfort and everything Isak needs right now.

"It's okay," Even promises, mouth pressed to the top of Isak's head.

And for a second, it is. Even is tracing patterns across Isak's back, sending shivers down Isak's spine and Isak feels _okay_.

It starts with a slight numbness in his chest and Isak just ignores it, focusing on Even. But then it begins to spread, tingling in the tips of his fingers and the base of his spine, and _that's_ when he begins to feel wrong. When his chest begins to tighten and his mind begins to remind him of the feeling of lips that aren't Even's against his own, hands that aren't Even's gripping painfully at his sides. He inhales sharply at the memory and it's then that he can't breathe. He tries, he _tries_ to breathe in but it just makes him cough, chest tightening further and he sobs.

Even pulls away slightly so he can see Isak's face but Isak has his eyes squeezed shut. His heart is racing painfully and he can feel Even's eyes boring holes in him. "Issy," Even says, probably as an attempt to get Isak to look at him but Isak _can't_. His heart is thundering in his chest, the sound flooding his ears and he refuses to open his eyes. Keeping them closed should make this easier to handle (it's definitely easier than having to look into Even's eyes). "Baby, it's okay," Even promises again and Isak wants to nod, let Even know he heard him but he can't. He feels so dizzy, can feel each heartbeat like a drumbeat that physically jolts him and the panic is really beginning to settle in because he still can't breathe, and he's wheezing, _can't breathe, can't breathe_ , and what the hell is happening? This has never happened before and wants it to stop.

"Make- _Make it stop_ ," he cries, coughing once the words manage to escape him and he's so fucking dizzy that he thinks he's actually going to pass out.

Warm hands suddenly cup his jaw, grounding him just a little bit so he can try to focus on that. "It's just a panic attack," Even tells him and Isak whimpers. That doesn't make sense. He has never had a panic attack before so why the hell would he be having one now? "You'll be okay." Even kisses his nose quickly and Isak jumps a little, trying yet again to take a deep breath but it's pointless. His body isn't co-operating. Even kisses his forehead and his cheeks, one after the other, and then his nose again. "Just breathe with me, okay? I promise it'll stop."

Isak nods, making himself feel even dizzier, because he trusts Even to help but he doesn't think he can. But he'll try, has to because he's barely holding himself upright anymore, leaning almost completely on Even. "Breathe in," Even tells him and breathes in himself, exaggerated for Isak to follow. Isak tries to copy him, he really does but as soon as he tries, his breath catches in his throat and he chokes and whines because it's _not working_ and he feels like he's going to fucking die. "Hey, you're okay," Even assures, stroking his thumb across Isak's cheek and the sensation is _so_ soothing. "Just try again. Don't worry."

Isak grips his hands onto Even's biceps and tries again because he trusts Even, trusts him to make this better. And it works, kind of. He manages to inhale and it's shaky but a wave of relief immediately washes through him. Even tells him that he's doing great and to _breathe out_ , and Even breathes with him as Isak inhales through his nose and exhales through his mouth. They continue that routine until Isak doesn't feel like he's dying anymore. "There you go," Even praises and Isak can practically _hear_ the smile in his voice.

Even nudges Isak backwards until the backs of Isak's knees hit the edge of the bathtub and he gets the hint. He slides down against the bathtub, Even sitting next to him. Isak is still doing the breathing exercises, _in 1,2,3, out 1,2,3_ , too scared that if he stops, the 'panic attack' will come back. An arm slinks around his waist, pulling him into Even's side so he rests his head on Even's shoulder.

Isak's eyes flutter closed, exhaustion suddenly filling every part of him and now he just wants to sleep. Wants Even to just hold him as Isak lets the exhaustion overcome him. Vaguely, he registers Even's hands travelling aimlessly over his body, tracing patterns across his thighs and his arms until they come to rest on his hands. Even stiffens suddenly but Isak can't find the energy to react.

" _Shit_ ," Even curses, shifting slightly as he lifts Isak's hand like he's examining it. "Isak, baby, your _hand_." Even sounds pained and Isak wants to assure them that it's fine (even though he can literally feel it throbbing) but then Even asks, "What happened?"

"Punched a wall," he mumbles, voice muffled by Even's shoulder. He doesn't have the energy to try to pretend it's nothing right now.

Isak swears he hears Even whine, but it might just be the exhaustion causing hallucinations.

"We need to get you to the ER. It might be broken," Even says, moving to get up.

" _No_ ," Isak whimpers and it's weak and pathetic but he doesn't care. He uses his okay hand to grip the front of Even's hoodie to emphasise how much he does _not_ want to go. "Please. Stay."

Even settles back down but Isak can tell that he isn't comfortable with the decision. But Isak knows that if Even knows that Isak _really_ doesn't want to go, he won't force him. Just one of the many reasons Isak loves him.

"Okay," Even agrees, resting his chin on top of Isak's head. "Can you tell me why?"

Isak knows that Even won't force him to talk either, but he doesn't feel right not explaining himself. It's the least Even deserves.

"I was angry," he says, voice quiet. "And scared. I knew you'd find out and I hated myself for it. Wanted to hurt."

Even makes a pained sound and Isak's already-closed eyes squeeze shut even tighter. "Fuck, baby, _no_ ," Even stammers. The arm around Isak's waist clutches tighter. "No, you do _not_ hurt yourself. Don't do that, _please_ never do that."

Isak nuzzles his nose into the crook of Even's neck, a comforting action for both of them. "'M sorry."

"I know," Even says. He kisses the top of Isak's head. "Baby, we're not going to talk about this now. Just..." He trails off, Isak waiting patiently and in increasing anticipation. Another kiss to the top of Isak's head, Even's lips lingering for a moment. "It wasn't your fault, so don't you dare fucking blame yourself, okay?" Isak finds himself nodding even though there can't be any truth in that. How can it _not_ be his fault? He should have pushed the guy off, been strong enough to stop _anything_ from happening. But he had frozen, been unable to move and if Jonas and Eskild hadn't come looking for him and Jonas hadn't ripped that guy from on top of him, Isak doesn't know what else would have happened.

"If anything, it was my fault," Even begins.

 _Nope_. No way is Isak listening to Even blame this on himself. If Even is so sure that it wasn't Isak's fault, then there is no way that it could have been Even's fault. It was down to Isak, had been his responsibility to stop it but he hadn't and now he's suffering the consequences.

"If I hadn't let you-"

Isak refuses to listen, instead lifts his head to he can presses his lips to Even's. The kiss is chaste, quick, but it feels so different to the kisses with the other guy, feels like hope and comfort and Even and it's _perfect_. It shuts Even up and Isak speaks as soon as he pulls away. "Not your fault," he insists, frowning. Even doesn't look convinced, which Isak expects because it's _Even_. Even, who adores Isak and would do anything to protect him, and Isak knows that he probably thinks that he let this happen. "I don't blame you, Ev."

Even relaxes a little, looking down at Isak. "Okay," he says and it's not a promise that he agrees with Isak but it's a promise that he understands and that's enough for Isak for now. He drops his head back down to Even's shoulder, letting out a shaky breath. "Can I at least bandage your hand?"

Isak really doesn't want to move, but he knows that he probably will need to bandage it anyway. Besides, despite Even's calm exterior, Isak can literally hear Even's heart hammering beneath his ear and he knows that doing this will calm Even down, put his mind somewhat at ease. So he nods and says, "If you want to."

Even is moving immediately and Isak finds himself weakly standing up next to him. Even guides him to the toilet, pushes the lid down and tells Isak to sit down, to which Isak obliges, and begins to raid the cupboard. It's only a few seconds before he's groaning in frustration. "Where's the fucking first-aid kit?" he yells, slamming the cupboard shut and Isak jumps so high that he lets out a small unintentional gasp.

Even's head turns at the sound, face falling and he looks like he's about to apologise so Isak speaks before he can gets the words out. "It's in the kitchen," he mumbles.

Even hesitates as if he's debating whether he should speak or leave, apparently eventually deciding on going to get the med-kit.

Isak sighs to himself once he's alone. Even is just stressed, he knows that and he understands that but he can't handle raised voices or loud, rushed movements right now. He needs something calm, something to take his mind off of everything that has happened, just wants Even to hold him and promise to never let go. He just wants _Even_.

As if on cue, Even returns, carrying bandages and a flushed expression. He seems to try to smile at Isak but it doesn't quite reach his eyes and does nothing to ease the knot slowly forming in Isak's stomach. He watches as Even makes his way over, dropping the bandages on the counter and then turns to Isak. "Lift your hand, baby," Even says, his voice calm again as he takes a hold of Isak's hand and Isak knows that Even is still not happy with not going to the hospital. But he can't. Not right now. Right now he is still so fucking tired and he can't stop shaking and he just- he _can't_. He can't even fathom being away from Even for more than a few minutes and he knows they'd be separated at the hospital. Even opens one of the bandages and begins to wrap. He's being gentle, Isak can tell, and though it still hurts, the tears that begin pricking his eyes aren't because of that. Sure, the pain is definitely a contributing factor but it's more just the exhaustion and the confusion and the memories. He just wants to sleep, but the thoughts racing through his mind are going to make that next to impossible. He doesn't understand how he let this happen, why the guy did it in the first place, or _why the hell_ Even doesn't hate him. Why is Even looking after him when Isak cheated on him not even hours ago? Isak hates himself for it, why doesn't Even hate him, too?

He doesn't notice Even finish because soon he's crying again and Even is standing between his knees and he's pulling Isak into his chest, begging Isak to _stop crying, please stop crying_ and he sounds so close to tears himself.

But Isak can't. He can't understand why Even is still here, or why Jonas and Eskild don't hate him for what he's done. He cheated on his boyfriend, on _Even_. Even, who is perfect. Who is sweet and he looks after Isak _so well_ , even when Isak doesn't feel deserving of it. But that still hadn't stopped Isak from letting that guy kiss him. He had frozen, been unable to move and if Jonas hadn't found him, the guy would have done a lot more.

Even's fingers are carding through Isak's hair as Isak sobs into Even's chest. It's soothing and it's working on calming him down, slowly but surely. "I love you," Even promises in a whisper. "I love you _so much_ , baby. It's gonna be okay, I promise. You'll be okay. We'll be okay. _Everything_ will be okay. You're not alone, Issy; I'm not going anywhere."

Even continues talking until Isak's crying finally dies down to small sniffles and the occasional hiccup. Isak eventually pulls away, pawing at his eyes with his sleeves. He doesn't want to look at Even but he can feel Even staring at him. It's unnerving, really, and Isak shifts uncomfortably under his gaze. It feels like Even is studying him, trying to understand him, to figure out what's going on inside of his head. Normally Isak wouldn't mind it because he does the same thing to Even. It's fascinating.

But not now. Now, Isak just feels judged and despite Even's words, Isak is convincing himself that Even is drying to decide if Isak is worth it. He shifts again, risking a glance up at Even to find the boy just staring down at him. Even's hand moves to Isak's chin, tipping Isak's head up. His other hand is at Isak's shoulder and he gives it a gentle squeeze. "Is there anything you want?"

Isak knows that Even is asking if he wants something to eat or drink or anything like that. But Isak only finds himself nodding and mumbling, "Sleep," because he is _so fucking tired_ and he can barely keep his eyes open at this point.

Even smiles a little, huffing out a small laugh. "Of course, baby," he says, a hand moving to comb through Isak's hair. "That, I can do."

Isak shakily follows Even to his bedroom, avoiding looking at the dent in the wall (he makes a mental note to cover it up with a poster or something). He notices Even momentarily stop to look at it but Even doesn't bring it up, for which Isak is grateful. Even makes his way over to the chest of drawers and begins raiding. Isak sits on the edge of his bed, watching as Even continues to search his drawers, a look of absolute concentration on his face. It's mesmerising, really.

It feels like forever before Even picks out comfortable clothes for the both of them, but really it's barely even a minute. Even hands Isak a sweater and sweatpants, carrying a set for himself, and they both change clothes. Isak gets dressed slower than normal, part of him desperate to get out of these clothes but the other part of him just not wanting to take his clothes off, especially not in front of Even.

The thought makes his stomach clench. How can he feel like that in front of Even? Even at the start of their relationship, when Even was still sort-of with Sonja, Isak has never been afraid of showing Even his body. Even when he wasn't entirely comfortable with having feelings for a boy, he wasn't scared to share himself with even.

Soon enough, they are both changed, dirty clothes discarded in the laundry basket. Silently, Even climbs into one side of the bed and peels the quilt back, beckoning Isak to join him. Isak hesitates, not because he doesn't want to join Even but because he still can't believe that Even is _here_. Even doesn't press him, doesn't question Isak's reluctance and Isak decides to just accept that Even didn't leave despite how much he can't comprehend it, and makes his way over to his side of the bed. Even is lying on his back, one arm raised as an invitation for Isak to just burrow himself into his side.

Isak gladly accepts.

He climbs in, curling himself into Even's side, head resting on Even's chest. One of Even's hands moves to the small of Isak's back, the other taking a delicate hold of Isak's bandaged and, thumb gently stroking small circles over his knuckles.

Isak sighs softly. For the first time since _it_ happened, he feels somewhat content. The thoughts in his head have slowed to the point that all he can think about is _Even_ and _sleep_. He knows it's probably just because of the exhaustion, but Isak doesn't care.

He drifts off to the sound of Even telling him he loves him.


	2. i'm paralysed, i'm scared to live, i'm scared to die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not beta'd because i can't beta my own work

Isak stirs awake slowly, eyes fluttering open to reveal that he hadn't moved while he slept. His head is still on Even's chest, hand still in one of Even's and Even's other hand is still at the base of his spine. He shifts a little, adjusting to the light filtering into the room.

"G'morning," comes Even's voice.

Isak tilts his head up. It's not uncommon for one of them to wake before the other and just lay there for a little while, so he's not surprised to find bright blue eyes staring back at him. "Morning," he mumbles. "Did you sleep?"

Even shrugs lightly. "A little."

"Liar," Isak accuses - he can tell that Even hasn't slept at all. That's what makes it all come rushing back: the party, the kisses, that guy, his hands. He squeezes his eyes shut, tilting his head back down so he's staring at the wall. His hand is throbbing, but he can feel Even's fingers threading gently through his hair and that does a little to soothe the pain. It's not as if he doesn't deserve it. He shudders, letting out a small sigh.

"You sleep alright?"

"Fine," Isak says, suddenly not in the mood for talking. Even seems to sense that and falls silent and it would be comfortable if it wasn't for the billion-tonne elephant in the room. Isak is dreading the moment that Even brings it up. The moment he has to _talk_ about it, that he has to tell Even everything that happened and he is terrified. He hadn't wanted it. That guy had kissed him and he hadn't wanted it, tried to touch him and he _hadn't wanted it_ but the guy hadn't listened. Isak hadn't wanted it, but that doesn't change the fact that it _happened_ and that he had done _nothing_ to stop it. There's no way Even is still going to accept him after this.

How can he? Isak _cheated_ on him, couldn't even fight back enough to push some stranger off of him when he knew that Even was in the same building. In what universe does Even stay with him after this? Even loves him, but there is no way that finding out what happened last night won't change that. Even is going to break up with him. Isak is going to lose him.

And he should. He deserves to lose him. He deserves to be alone because he should have fought harder. But he didn't and now he feels so fucking disgusting and there is no way that Even won't feel that way, too. There is no way that this isn't going to destroy any love Even has for Isak because how can you love someone like this? How could Even love Isak after finding out the truth?

"Isak-"

" _No_ ," Isak mumbles, cutting Even off. He's not ready for that. He's not ready to lose him. "Please, not yet."

He feels Even nod. "Okay," he agrees and Isak lets out a deep exhale. "Let me make some coffee. We can talk about this while we drink. Yeah?"

Isak stiffens slightly but nods. Even is giving him time to prepare and he will have to talk eventually. He doesn't move yet though, instead relishes in the feeling of Even holding him because he knows that there is every chance that he will never get to experience this again. So he nuzzles himself closer to Even's chest, trying his hardest not to just let himself cry. "I love you," he whispers (as if Even doesn't already know that) and finally pulls away, knowing that if he doesn't do it now, he'll never find the courage. So he sits up, Even releasing his hand in the process and watches as Even leaves, sneaking glances behind himself as he goes.

Isak takes time to compose himself - or at least try to. He leans against the wall and exhales deeply, trying to determine what it is that he's going to say, if he's going to say anything at all. It's entirely possible that he's just going to freeze up and he won't be _able_ to say anything, just like he froze up last night. Or maybe he won't make it to the end because Even won't want to hear any more and he'll leave and he won't come back and-

"Issy?"

Even is back. And he's carrying two mugs of coffee, holding one out for Isak to take. Isak obliges, nodding in thanks. Even sits opposite him, his own mug still in his hands, his legs crossed underneath himself. Isak realises that his hands are shaking so badly that his coffee is shaking too so to prevent spillage and avoid burning himself, he puts the mug on the bedside table. Even does the same.

He turns back to Even, swallowing. "Promise not to leave until I'm finished?" He doesn't want Even to leave until he has had a chance to fully explain himself. He doesn't _deserve_ that chance but he can't have Even not knowing the truth.

Even furrows his eyebrows, looking at Isak as if that question doesn't make sense. "Baby, I'm not going to leave at all."

Isak isn't convinced and he really wishes Even would stop calling him _baby_ because his heart can't take it. He nods anyway. "And you can't, um... don't interrupt me? No talking, no touching, no hugs. I won't..." He wrings his hands, wincing at the pain shooting through his hand. "I won't be able to finish otherwise."

"Of course," Even agrees, sending Isak a small but reassuring smile.

Isak's breathing is shaky and he inhales deeply to try to calm himself, resting his hands on his thighs to try to stop them shaking. "What do you want to know?" he mumbles. Part of him is still hoping that Even will just say _nothing_ and they can just pretend this never happened, but he knows that that is naive and completely unfair.

Even drops his gaze, for a second seeming just as nervous as Isak. "Well... Jonas didn't- he wouldn't tell me much. Just that something happened between you and some asshole." Isak frowns at the anger in Even's eyes, the bite in his voice. He hates Even getting angry. Even is so- so fucking _pure_ and _sweet_ and Isak hates tainting the brightness in his eyes, hates destroying that perfect fucking smile. He would do anything to keep Even happy. Even seems to notice his face fall. "Baby, you don't _have_ to tell me. I just- I don't want to make things up in my head, create my own version of events, you know? I want to hear it from you and I want you to know that you can talk to me about it, and I'll listen. I'm not gonna judge you. I _love_ you, and I want to help. But I won't force you to tell me, not if you really don't want to."

 _Fuck_. Isak already wants to break down and he hasn't even started yet. He almost wants to take Even up on his offer and not say anything, but he knows he won't be able to live with himself if he doesn't explain himself. He won't be able to look Even in the eye every single day knowing what he has done and knowing that Even will never know the full story.

So he clears his throat. It's now or never. "So, uh... we were in the kitchen. And as you know I needed the toilet, and when I came out of the bathroom I started feeling dizzy. I know I was just drunk but I honestly didn't think I'd make it back to you without passing out or something. So I found an empty bedroom and just sat down so I could get my bearings and just relax for a minute. I was alone and it was fine. But..." Isak hesitates, sneaking a glance at Even to see if he can gauge Even's reaction from his face. Even's brows are furrowed as if he's listening intently and his jaw is set hard. He's still angry. Isak silently begs whoever is listening to _please don't let Even be angry at me_. He drops his gaze back down to his lap. "This guy, he, um... he came in and he sat down next to me. And like, he was sitting closer than normal but I didn't question it 'cause he was being nice. He was just asking if I was okay and if I needed him to get me anyone or anything. And I said _no_ so he asked me if I was here with anyone and I said that I was there with you. He asked where you were and I said that I didn't know, I last saw you in the kitchen. I know I shouldn't have been talking to him so much because I mean, he's a stranger and I should've just left when he came in. But... Even, my head was fucking pounding and I couldn't focus and I could barely _see_ and I just thought he was being nice. And then he turned to me and said _so he won't mind me doing this then will he?_ And-" Isak's breath catches in his throat and he can feel tears burning his eyes. He isn't going to risk looking at Even again in fear that he'll see disgust - he's already disgusted with himself, it's only a matter of time before Even feels the same. But he doesn't know how much longer he can go without the tears spilling over because his throat feels far too tight and he's shaking. He pulls his sleeves over his hands, trying to ignore the pain in his hand because that is _not helping_. "And he kissed me. And I- I pushed him off, Ev, I swear I did and I tried to stand up but it's like... it was like everything was happening in slow motion and he just smiled and pushed me back onto the bed and-" And there are tears. He tries so fucking desperately to hold them in because he is looking weak enough in front of Even as it is and he doesn't need to look any more pathetic. But he still refuses to look at Even, knows that that will be what completely breaks him. He inhales shakily, trying to keep his breathing under control. "He pushed me down and started kissing me again-" he sobs, despite his best efforts to hold it in, "and I couldn't fucking move. I'm sorry, Ev. I _froze_ and he just kept _kissing_ me and- and his hands were everywhere, under my shirt and at the button of my pants and I wanted him to stop-" another sob, "but he wouldn't. He wouldn't _listen_." He squeezes his eyes shut. "And the next thing I remember, Eskild is next to me and I think I can hear Jonas yelling and someone is helping me up and-"

He can't stop himself. He can't believe that Even is still here and he finds himself lunging forward into Even's arms. He wraps his arms around Even's neck and just _sobs_ into his shoulder because if Even is going to leave then Isak needs this, he really fucking needs this because he can't- Even's arms are one of the only places he feels safe and he _can't_ handle the memories from last night. They're just flashes more than actual memories and they're giving him a fucking headache and there is just nothing that soothes him more than Even holding him and if Isak is going to lose this, he _needs this first_.

"I'm sorry, Ev, _please_. I'm so sorry. I didn't- I didn't _want_ to but I _froze_ and-" He's choked off by another broken sob.

"Hey," Even whispers, his arms wrapping securely around Isak's trembling frame. "Baby, fuck, I _know_. I know you didn't want it. You don't need to apologise. It wasn't your fault, just- _Fuck_." Isak lets out a loud but relieved sob at the realisation that Even actually believes him. It doesn't do much of anything to rid of the guilt but this is something he never expected and everything he could have hoped for. Even's hold tightens around him, one hand moving to comb through Isak's hair and Isak just can't stop fucking shaking. He thinks he can feel Even crying too and that just makes him feel _worse_ because now he has made Even cry and this is all such a _mess_. "I love you _so much_ ," Even promises and Isak's fingers tangle in the hair at the nape of Even's neck. "And I don't blame you, baby. It was _not_ your fault." He sighs shakily into Isak's hair and Isak honestly feels like a fucking toddler being cuddled because he fell and scraped his fucking knee but he has enough to be ashamed about and this is not anywhere near the top of that list. "And I'm not going anywhere. _Ever_. I promise." He falls silent for a moment, just holding Isak as the boy continues to cry. "I love you, baby. It's going to be okay."

For the first time, Isak finds himself believing Even, just a little. He's still here. He's still holding Isak even _after_ being told what happened. But that still doesn't make sense to him - how can Even still love him? How can Even still think of him the same way? And how can he promise that everything is going to be okay? Isak doesn't fucking feel okay and he doesn't know if he is _ever_ going to feel okay and Even can't promise him that. He can't guarantee that. As safe as Isak feels in his arms, Even can't just magically make things okay as much as he might want to.

"I don't- Why are you still here?"

He feels Even tense before he's pulling away from Isak a little, thumbs wiping at Isak's tears. Isak looks up at him and, yep - Even is crying. And he looks so fucking confused and he's frowning and staring at Isak so intensely. "Why wouldn't I be here?" And Isak doesn't know what to say to that because he fully expected Even to leave but Even really does look like that possibility never crossed his mind. But it must have. He must have considered breaking up with him if he didn't hear what he wanted to hear. There must have been an outcome where Even felt that breaking up was the only way out. "Baby, I'm here because I know you didn't want it." He scans Isak's face, apparently becoming more upset at what he sees because he tilts his head and his frown deepens. "Isak, sweetheart, you have to understand that this wasn't your fault. He should never have put you in that position. It was his responsibility to stop as soon as he realised that you didn't want it."

"But I didn't _say_ that-"

"It doesn't matter," Even tells him. Isak falters. "He should have known, or he should have asked you. It was _his_ responsibility, not yours."

Isak shakes his head. Even doesn't understand. "But I _cheated_ on you-"

"No, you didn't," Even says and he sounds so damn sure, like there's no doubt in his mind. He cups Isak's jaw gently, their faces inches from each other. "You didn't betray my trust; it wasn't your choice. You did _nothing_ wrong. This is all on him."

Isak just stares. Even isn't lying. He can tell when Even is lying but Even... Even really, truly believes what he is saying. Isak can't help the small twitch of his lips, the hint of a smile because that is _some_ weight off his shoulders. He can't have cheated if Even says he didn't. It doesn't change what happened and it doesn't change how revolting he feels, like he physically wants to fucking swallow bleach if it would clean out all of the memories and the hatred and the disgust so he can start afresh and just _forget_. But it is one less thing to have to worry about.

"You really believe that?"

Even smiles, just a little. Isak tries to ignore the pain and sadness Even is doing his utmost best to hide. "I really, _really_ do."

Isak uses his sleeves to wipe his eyes. He has mostly stopped crying now, still shaking and breath hitching every so often but it's much better.

Even grabs their mugs of coffee, handing Isak's back to him. "Drink up. You'll feel better."

Isak takes a small sip, the coffee burning his throat but compared to his hand, it's nothing. At least with the pain he's feeling something other than this fucking emptiness that is slowly beginning to take over.

He stares at Even, amazed that he hasn't left and his stomach twists, in a not-so-bad way. Somehow, Even still wants him. Isak still feels absolutely repulsed by what happened but at least he is no longer afraid that Even is going to walk out on him.

The knowledge that Even doesn't want to go anywhere makes him hate himself just that tiny bit less.


	3. when you miss me, close your eyes

Even and Isak drink their coffees in silence for a while.

It's unexpectedly calm, and it's comfortable. They just stare at each other and Isak really, really can't believe how much love there is in Even's eyes as Even studies him. And he really, really, _really_ can't understand how much love he feels for him. How much his heart feels like it's going to fucking explode, how he feels like he's falling and drowning at the same time and he doesn't think his body is big enough to store all of these feelings without him spontaneously combusting.

But of course, something has to come along and fuck that up.

Eskild knocks, and enters when Even tells him to _come in_. He smiles softly when he locks eyes with Isak and Isak, surprisingly, finds himself smiling back. He knows he has treated Eskild like shit sometimes (and Eskild can be kind of terrifying when he's angry), but if Eskild hadn't found him when he had then things would be a lot worse and Even definitely would not be here now. He owes so much to Eskild and Jonas that he can barely comprehend it.

"Hi," Eskild says and takes a step inside. "How are you feeling?" Isak shrugs. He honestly doesn't know. He feels better than he did last night but something in his gut is uneasy, warning him that that won't last long. "Jonas is here," Eskild continues, motioning down the hall. "He wants to talk about what happened, but only if you're up for it." He glances between Even and Isak. "Noora is there too, but she'll leave if you want her to."

Isak's tongue catches in his throat and Even speaks for him. "Give us a minute."

Eskild nods and leaves and Isak feels like he's falling. He can't go through with that again. He can't talk about it again.

Even's hand is beneath Isak's jaw, tilting his head up. "Look at me, baby," he says and Isak forces his eyes to open. "What are you thinking?"

Isak shakes his head for a few seconds because he can't form the words. But he _knows_ Jonas was there last night, he heard him, and he was here when Isak finally fully came back into focus and he could actually comprehend his surroundings. Which means he is as much to thank as Eskild is and Jonas is his best friend - he can't just ignore him. He'll be worried. He always worries and he's not going to be okay until Isak talks to him.

So Isak looks at Even, clasping his fingers around his wrist. "Will you be there?" He needs Even there. He needs Even to speak if he can't. He needs Even to explain if he can't. Even and Jonas are close and Jonas will take Even's word as the truth and that will be okay.

Even smiles encouragingly. "Of course I will. I'll do anything you need me to."

And Isak stares at Even, eyes sincere because, "You don't have to come." If Even is going to feel uncomfortable talking about this, he really, truly doesn't have to be there. Isak won't blame him. He can find a way to handle this on his own if he has to.

Even furrows his eyebrows, head cocking to the side. "I _want_ to," he promises. "I won't let you do this alone. Anything you need, Issy." And Isak can't help the look of absolute adoration he gives Even because he absolutely does not deserve this boy. Even holds out his hand. "Come on."

Isak laces their fingers together, grasping Even's hand tightly for reassurance. He lets Even take the lead and tug him gently to the sitting room, and then Even has dropped his hand and arms are wrapping around him. It's Noora, he can tell. The hug is much too tight to be Jonas and the person is much too small to be Eskild. Nooria is saying something he's sure, but he's not listening, just silently begging for her to _stop_ hugging him and wishing she had asked before he initiated this because he is a thousand types of _not comfortable_ right now and he wants Even's hand back. Noora does pull away pretty quickly though, but Isak barely has time to be grateful before Jonas is standing in front of him instead.

"Isak..." he mumbles, shaking his head and sighing. His lip is split, cheek bruised and Isak's heart jumps.

Isak doesn't say anything, just buries himself into Jonas's welcoming embrace. They're not 'hugging' friends normally and while Isak has very much come out of his shell, any form of affection in front of others is usually between him and Even. But this isn't weird at all. It's a way of Isak reminding himself that Jonas doesn't hate him, just like Even doesn't, and as Isak thanking Jonas for coming to find him in time. Eventually he removes his arms from around his friend, glancing up at him with a small smile. Jonas just smiles softly back.

"Come sit," Jonas tells him, sitting next to Noora and Eskild.

Isak and Even sit on the sofa adjacent to them, hands reconnected. "You wanted to talk?" Isak asks. His voice comes out a lot quieter than he intends and it's a surprise that anyone other than Even heard him. He tightens his grip on Even's hand, forcing deep but subtle breaths. Even squeezes back, his eyes still trained on Jonas.

Jonas's gaze shifts between Even and Isak a few times, and he looks nervous to say anything. Isak frowns as he tries to figure out what it is that Jonas wants to say, what could possibly make him hesitate. He thought Jonas was going to be the one asking questions, seeing if Isak was alright after last night because they didn't exactly have the chance to speak.

Jonas eventually speaks. "Uh, well... We, ah, we think the guy may have spiked your drink."

Isak tenses, hand gripping Even's like his life depends on it. Even's arm snakes around his waist, pulling him closer into his side and Isak lets himself be moved, too focused on Jonas's words to think about much else. Spiked? "What do you mean?" he asks. He isn't really sure he wants to know the answer.

Jonas has the audacity to look guilty, as if he thinks he could have stopped this. "I mean, we weren't anywhere near you so we don't know _how_ , but... Isak, you were pretty fucking out of it when we found you. You could barely even stand on your own."

Eskild takes over, "You passed out pretty much as soon as we left the party. We had to carry you most of the way. You didn't come to until we reached our street."

Isak isn't going to lie - he doesn't really remember that. Everything between that guy pushing him down onto the bed and arriving back in the apartment is pretty much all a blur, save for a few flashes of memories that he can't be one hundred percent sure are real. He's just going to have to believe what they are saying.

Jonas motions to Even, who has gone completely stiff next to Isak. Isak doesn't even chance looking at him. He has seen Even angry enough times so far to do him a lifetime and Even's body language is saying that he is fucking pissed. "Even said you only had a couple of drinks, at most."

It's true; Isak didn't drink much and what he _did_ drink doesn't account for his behaviour, or how he had felt. He just figured that maybe the people hosting the party were super rich and the alcohol was just far stronger than he was used to. "We can't be sure, but... You weren't acting right, man. I've seen you fucking _hammered_ and it's never been this bad."

Isak shifts uncomfortably, mouth suddenly going dry. Even's thumb is rubbing his knuckles but his mind is fucking racing because- because if he was drugged, doesn't that mean he was a target? Someone had to pick him out, and they had to put in the effort to spike his drink.

He swallows thickly, letting go of Even's hand just as Even's arm drops from around him. "I'm sorry, I just- I'm sorry," he mumbles, and then he's rushing back to his room.

As soon as he is inside his bedroom, he's leaning heavily against the wall next to the door and he's trying to take a deep breath. He barely has a chance to get his bearings before Even is in front of him, hands at the sides of Isak's face and looking even more worried than before.

"What's going on?" Even asks, voice laced with so much concern and Isak really wishes he could pretend that there is nothing wrong because he just wants Even to smile again.

He isn't even going to try to lie. He'll gain nothing from that and lying might make Even leave and Isak needs him here right now. "Even, he- he _wanted_ me. He could've been watching me the whole night. How long was he planning to do that to me?" He freezes, glancing at Even, mouth slightly ajar. "What if he tries to do it again? What if- does he go to our school? Ev, what if he finds me and-"

"Look at me," Even says, stroking his thumbs across Isak's cheekbones. Isak meets his eyes, trying to steady his breathing. His shoulders relax just slightly when it's just him and Even, looking at each other, focusing on each other like nothing else exists. "Stop that. Stop tormenting yourself, Issy. You don't need that."

Isak can't help but move closer to Even, wrapping his arms around him and fingers twisting desperately in the material of Even's sweater. "I'm scared, Ev."

And he hates to admit that because he shouldn't _be_ scared. That guy is gone. But he can't help considering that maybe he isn't. Maybe he really was targeting Isak and if he tried once, what is stopping him from doing it again? Stalkers exist. This guy could know where he lives and if Isak could just _remember_ last night clearly enough, maybe he would remember what the guy looked like. Maybe he could recognise him.

"I know, baby," Even whispers, pressing a gentle kiss to Isak's curls. "But you don't need to be." A second kiss. "I won't let anything else happen to you, okay? And... if he goes to our school, I will found out and I'll deal with him." One more kiss. "And if I find him anywhere near you again, I'll fucking kill him."

The venom in Even's voice sends shivers through Isak, and not the good kind. He's not sure he wants to know if Even is being serious. Right now though, he's more focused on the warmth of Even's embrace, the security of his arms around him, and the promises of love that are the kisses pressed to the top of Isak's head.

It helps him breathe and right now, he needs to breathe. Breathe the scent of Even. Of home. The promise that he is safe and he is protected.

Even is his safety net, and he's a pretty fucking good one.

"I love you. So much," he mumbles into Even's shoulder. His fingers tighten their grip on Even's sweater.

"I know." Isak can hear the smile in Even's voice. "I love you too, baby."

Isak hides his face in Even's shoulder, letting out the tiniest unintentional whimper. He just wants to stay here forever, never leave, just like he promised Even that first weekend together. He is happiest _here_ and he knows, somewhere inside him, that it's where Even is happiest too. Maybe not right now, but most of the time.

He can't keep piling all of this on Even, though. It won't be long before it ends up becoming too much to handle. He can't keep leaning on Even, relying on him to help him find some form of happiness because it never lasts forever and that is _not_ Even's job. Even shouldn't have to keep holding him to stop him crying and help him breathe. He shouldn't have to try so hard to break one small smile out of Isak because Isak doesn't know how else to be happy. And that's unhealthy. That's really fucking unhealthy and he will not- he will _not_ put all of this shit on Even just to be selfish. He can't do that to him.

But he also can't think about what that means right now. So he pulls away, taking a step back and stares down at his hands. "I'm gonna try sleep for a while," he says. "I don't... I don't feel great and I just want to try sleep it off, you know?"

He notices Even nod out of the corner of his eye. "Of course. Do you want me to stay with you?"

Isak shakes his head. He was so exhausted last night that he didn't have it in him to overthink. But now, if he tries to fall asleep next to Even he'll just lie awake the whole time, too afraid to sleep in case he wakes and Even isn't there because he finally decided to leave. "Not right now," he says, trying to push that thought from his mind. _That isn't going to happen_. "I just want to lie down."

"Okay," Even agrees, nodding again. "I'll leave you alone for a while. But let me know if you need anything; I'll just be with Eskild."

Isak mumbles out a barely audible _okay_ and then Even leaves. He lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding and leans back against the wall. The sudden silence is unnerving and he doesn't like it. But this is to give Even a break. Isak has been clingy enough and Even needs some time to himself, time to relax, time away from all of this so he doesn't have to think about it. Just because Isak can't get it out of his head, doesn't mean he has to drag Even down with him.

Isak shivers. It's automatically so much colder without Even. Uncomfortably, almost painfully colder and he is craving the warmth. Wants Even to hold him again, promise him that everything is going to be okay until Isak believes it. He _won't_ believe it, but he needs to know that Even does. He needs to know that Even hasn't given up because if Even gives up then there is no hope for Isak. If Even gives up on Isak, Isak gives up, too. Sometimes he has to rely on Even to hold onto hope for the both of them. Exactly like Isak does when Even has a bad episode and Isak is just _there_ for him, like he knows Even needs, promising that it _will_ be okay again - he needs Even to do that for him now.

He sighs to himself, frustrated. That's not exactly going to happen if he keeps pushing Even away. He's so fucking torn. He wants Even to be happy and he doesn't see how Even can be happy if Isak keeps piling everything on him when he doesn't need to. Even has enough to deal with without Isak adding to it. But it's not like Isak _wants_ Even to leave. He wants him to stay so bad it's tearing him apart from the inside but the thought of Even growing to hate him because Isak can't be happy is killing him.

He doesn't know how long he stands there thinking but he figures he should get into bed before Even comes back to check on him, because he _will_. He pulls the sleeves of his sweater over his heads, momentarily distracted by the pain around his knuckles. He swallows, focusing on that to try to not think about how cold it is and how much he wishes he hadn't sent Even off. It's far too cold without Even and Isak doesn't doubt that he's going to struggle to fall asleep; it's entirely likely that he'll just lie awake for hours, longing for Even's gentle hold but never managing to find the courage to actually go searching for it.

He climbs into bed and bundles himself under the comforter. Curling up into a ball, he pulls his knees to his chest, arms wrapping around them as he attempts to make himself as small as possible, trying to protect himself without Even as his shield.

A single tear drips down his cheek. Isak sniffles and just like that, he can't control himself. He sobs quietly into his arms, desperate to keep quiet because he does _not_ need anybody else hearing; not Eskild, not Noora, not Jonas, and certainly not Even. He doesn't need them worrying. Isak just has to act like it doesn't bother him, like he's over what happened, like he's okay with it. If he tries not to dwell on it maybe he _will_ get over it. Either way, it will make Even worry less if he thinks Isak feels okay.

Isak wipes at his eyes and takes a shuddering breath. Exhaustion fills him as the tears slowly begin to stop. At least this means he'll be able to fall asleep, he decides.

Sniffling once more, Isak lets his eyes fall shut.


	4. forgetting is a harder fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter has a description of the attempted sexual assault. it is not in much detail as it is in the form of a dream, but it does reference a lot of Isak's mental state in the moments, so please just be cautious.
> 
> [also it's super short but the next one will be much longer]

_A pair of hands hold him down. Isak wants to struggle but it's like he's frozen. His body won't obey him, won't move when he wants it to, won't fight back and Isak can only lie there, unable to move as a stranger kisses his way down his neck._

_He has to stop this. He can't betray Even like this. He **needs** to stop this but he **can't**. His body is made of lead and he can't move. He wants to cry out, to make this guy stop - what can't he **move**? Why won't this guy leave Isak alone - what did Isak ever do to him?_

_The guy's lips are back on Isak's, hands travelling down Isak's chest. One of them slips under Isak's shirt and Isak can't fucking **breathe** , the cold hands on his bare chest freezing his lungs. He thinks he's crying but it's hard to tell because everything is spinning and he swears he's begging for this guy to **please** , **please stop** , but-_

Isak's eyes snap open. He shoots up, gasping for breath as he pushes phantom hands _off_ of his body. He chokes on a sob, trying to breathe but he is also trying to be quiet because he does not need Even hearing him. He leans heavily on one hand laid flat atop the bed, his bandaged hand wrapped tight around his stomach.

He wants to be sick. He wants to just throw up until he manages to get rid of all the disgusting things inside of him: the taste of that guys lips; the negative thoughts. He wants to be happy again, to forget this ever happened.

He just wishes this had never happened.

Isak sobs out, whimpering before he can stop himself. He's crying and he's trying to breathe but he is being far too loud and someone is going to hear. That realisation just makes him panic more and he tries to inhale but he just chokes on nothing and his chest constricts and now he _really_ can't breathe but he has to be _quiet_.

He wants Even so badly. He wants Even to make it stop because he can't do this alone. He needs to breathe but he needs Even for that, needs Even to hold him, to make it _stop_.

Isak is suddenly pressed up against a wall of warmth, slender arms wrapping around his chest. He might freak out if he didn't just _know_ : it's Even. Isak can't find it in himself to care that Even has found him like this, despite how much he hadn't wanted that. All he cares about is that Even is _here_ and that means that Isak can breathe again.

He turns his head to press his nose into the crook of Even's neck. Even pulls him closer and Isak continues to cry, a hand stroking soothingly up and down his side. "Hey, hey, stop crying," Even whispers against the shell of Isak's ear. "Baby, you're okay. Just breathe."

Isak nods because he is _trying_. It's a little easier now that Even is here but his chest is still uncomfortably tight and he's terrified that he's going to have another panic attack. He curls himself further into Even's chest, just breathing slowly, in and out, like Even made him do yesterday.

"What happened, baby? Why are you crying?" Even doesn't sound like he is expecting an answer and that's just as well because Isak can't talk about that nightmare right now, can barely bear to think about it. He tenses involuntarily, breath hitching. Even's hold on him just tightens. "You're okay. You're safe. I'm here and I love you."

His words cause Isak's body to relax again and when he is compliant enough, Even manoeuvres them so they are both lying down, Isak curled into Even's side with Even's arms wrapped around him. Isak rests his head on Even's chest, just above his heart and listens, focuses on the rhythmic beating.

Even kisses the top of his head and mumbles, "Go to sleep, Issy. We'll talk later."

Isak wants to protest, the nightmare still fresh in his mind and he does _not_ want another. But his eyelids feel heavier than they did just a few moments ago and he's struggling to keep his eyes open.

The heartbeat beneath his ear and the calming sensation of Even's fingers combing through his hair are what eventually lull him back to sleep.


	5. it's easier to disappear

The next time Isak wakes up, he is still in Even's arms.

They have barely moved except that Isak's head is now further up Even's chest, more so now on his shoulder. Even's arms are still around him, slightly looser now and his soft, slow breathing tells Isak that he's asleep this time. Isak is grateful for that. He doesn't think he would be able to handle it if Even had stayed awake this whole time, again.

Carefully and slowly, Isak pulls away, trying not to wake Even. He sits up and rubs his eyes, yawning as he glances around the room. There is still light coming through the curtains so he knows it's still daytime but he doesn't know how much time has passed. He could check his phone for the time but it's at the other side of the room and that would mean moving. One of Even's arms is still wrapped surprisingly tightly around his waist and he is reluctant to move.

So he doesn't.

Instead he leans back against the wall, Even's other hand in his. He laces their fingers together, almost smiling at how their hands fit together perfectly. How _they_ fit together perfectly.

Why did Isak have to go and fuck that up?

"You okay?" comes Even's voice, thick with sleep.

Isak glances down for a second before turning his attention back to their connected hands. He nods, putting no effort into trying to make it convincing because Even will see through it. He always does. Even squeezes his hand.

"Isak," he says. His voice is somehow soft and demanding.

Isak forces a small smile, meeting Even's eyes again. "I'm fine, Ev. Honestly."

Even is silent for a moment. It is clear he doesn't believe Isak but Isak knows that Even will want to talk and this is his way of saying _not yet_. Even seems conflicted on whether or not he should push Isak for an honest answer or let him be for now.

Isak prays for the latter.

"Okay," he finally says, nodding. "But please don't hide things from me because you think I don't want to know or because you don't want to bother me." He squeezes Isak's hand again, his eyes bright and determined. "I don't mind if you don't want to talk, baby. That's perfectly okay. But I don't want you stressing yourself out for my sake. I'm here for you. Whatever you need."

Isak doesn't say anything. He knows that Even always wants to know what's going on inside of his head but Isak doesn't want to stress him out. Even wouldn't say if it was becoming too much. He's stubborn. He will put Isak first like he always does and Isak doesn't want that; he won't let what happened affect Even.

But he really doesn't want to push Even away. He doesn't want Even thinking that Isak doesn't trust him. He doesn't want Even thinking that he doesn't want to talk to him, that he's hiding things from him. He needs Even to just _be there_ , to just exist as he always does and to not ask too many questions.

That is one of the great things about Even, though. He knows when something is too much for Isak, sometimes even before Isak has figured that out. He won't push him, not if Isak doesn't want to talk but he will somehow _make_ Isak want to talk. Make Isak want to accept help, even if Isak is trying to convince himself he doesn't need it. Even knows when to push and when to leave something alone, and Isak has never been more grateful for that than right now.

"Are you hungry?" Even asks suddenly, pushing himself upright. "I made cupcakes earlier while you were sleeping. Last I checked, Eskild and Noora were going out for the day and Jonas left ages ago. We have the flat to ourselves for a while so we can eat and we can talk, and no one is going to interrupt us. Is that okay?"

Isak's stomach drops and he fills with a sense of dread. The thought of eating makes him want to throw up and Even wants to _talk_. He wants Isak to explain everything again, to talk about what happened before they fell asleep.

But he has to agree. He is desperate to keep Even close, as much as it is beginning to feel like that isn't possible. Like trying to keep Even near him is just delaying the inevitable that he'll never be able to forget what happened and eventually, Even will get tired of him because all he has done recently is cry and use Even to help himself fall asleep. As much as he can't bear the thought of not being around Even, maybe it's just worse to pretend that everything can go back to the way it was.

Except Isak really doesn't want to think about that right now. It's hard enough thinking about last night, but the thought of losing Even is going to fucking break him. And Even isn't going to leave himself. Even this insecure, Isak knows that. Even will keep on promising that everything will be okay and that he is going nowhere because he wouldn't leave Isak.

And that means that if Even is to be happy, Isak has to break up with him. He _actually_ has to break up with the person he loves more than anyone he has ever loved and anyone he ever will love and he's not sure he's strong enough to do that. He's not sure he can give that up.

So he nods, because he can't think about that and the only way to stop thinking about that is to focus on what Even wants instead. "Yeah, that's okay."

And that is a lie because it is _not_ okay but he lets Even take his hand, wincing when Even glances at his bandaged hand with a small frown. He can't help but remove it from view, as obvious as that movement is because the look on Even's face and the memories it brings are too much right now.

Even meets his eyes, his smile forced but appreciated. "Come on," he says.

Isak lets himself be tugged to the kitchen, where Even suddenly becomes a bundle of excitement. Even opens the fridge door to reveal a tray of cupcakes. He grins widely as he pulls the tray out. He looks so _proud_ that Isak can't help the small smile that tugs at his lips. He loves seeing Even like this; so happy and passionate about something that seems so small to other people but so important to him. Even does the fucking eyebrow thing, eyes glistening and Isak's knees feel weak at that, even after all this time. He lays the tray on the table and takes a seat, and Isak follows suit, sitting on the chair opposite him.

"Try one," Even says, picking up a cupcake. He takes an eager bite and Isak tries to hide his hesitation as he picks up a cupcake for himself.

Isak twirls the cupcakes between his fingers, jaw clenching and stomach rolling at the thought of eating it. When he glances back up at Even he finds Even staring at him intently, eyes dark. Isak should perhaps feel nervous but he blushes under Even's gaze.

"What?" he mumbles, cheeks red.

"Nothing," Even says, eyes crinkling slightly and a small smile tugging at his lips. "You're just really fucking beautiful when you're thinking like that."

Isak chokes on air, his cheeks burning. "O-Oh, um..." He's not sure what to say; he was not expecting that. Even says things like that at the most random times and he does it quite often, but every single time it takes Isak by surprise. This time it is more than completely unexpected because of everything that has happened and Isak is trying not to think about that but it's hard when he swears he can still feel that guy's hands on his body.

"I wish you'd tell me what it is you're thinking about, though," Even continues and it's probably an attempt to get Isak to open up.

Isak decides to let him have this one, just a little. Even is really trying. "Sorry. I'm just not that hungry." It's not completely untrue - he just can't face the thought of eating.

Even's face falls and he is disappointed, Isak knows but there is nothing he can do about that, is there? Everything he seems to be doing lately is just turning him into more of a disappointment.

"You haven't eaten since lunch yesterday." There's not much of an argument in Even's voice, probably because he knows that trying to force Isak otherwise will just result in unnecessary upset.

Isak shrugs, placing his cupcake back on the tray. It's not as if he doesn't know that. It's not as if he isn't aware that he should be hungry and he _isn't_. "Sorry," he mumbles. He is honestly tired of apologising but there is so much he is sorry for and he doesn't know how else to get that across.

Even also puts his half-eaten cupcake down and Isak's stomach churns with guilt. Not even a few minutes ago Even was so excited for these little cupcakes and Isak has brought the mood down again. Even shouldn't have to be dealing with his horrible mood, especially because Isak doesn't know how to make it better.

He doesn't know how to be happy, not even for Even.

What if he is never happy again? He knows it sounds dramatic but he feels so fucking empty and dark and he doesn't see how anything other than Even can bring him any form of happiness and even then, there is only so much Isak can rely on Even for without it becoming unhealthy.

Even is the only thing that brings him joy right now but it can't stay that way forever. That is not fair on Even. Isak can't put that pressure on Even but he doesn't know what else to do - he doesn't think that he has the strength to break up with him.

But he knows that that _would_ be best for Even. Isak is fully aware that it would break his heart at first, but he's beginning to feel like he doesn't have any other choice. Besides, Even will get over it. Eventually. And Isak would rather just end their relationship now than drag Even through all of this shit for however long while their relationship crumbles around them and Even does everything he can to save it but Isak can't find it in himself to do anything.

Because Isak isn't worth saving. He isn't worth Even. He is damaged goods. Cracked so badly that one more small thing is just going to shatter him into a thousand fucking pieces and Even is going to try to pick all of those pieces back up and put Isak back together and that is not Even's job. He shouldn't have to do that but he will do it anyway because it's _Even_.

Even would do anything for Isak but Isak can't ask that of him. It's too much.

He just has to find a way to end this but when he looks over at Even, at the boy he loves so much it _hurts_ , he doesn't know how he can. He doesn't know how to say, "I want to break up," because he _doesn't_.

"Wh-What?"

Isak blinks, focusing on Even. Even looks fucking _heartbroken_ and Isak swallows thickly before he realises: he just said that out loud.

His mouth opens and closes but he can't speak. He can't say anything because he can't believe this has just happened. It wasn't meant to happen this way and Even looks like he is about to cry and Isak knows for a fact _he_ is going to cry. "I- I don't..." He stumbles over his words because he doesn't know what to say.

"Tell me you didn't just say that," Even whispers and Isak wants to just shrink in on himself until he disappears but he can't lie. Maybe this is the opportunity he was looking for. The circumstances are horrible but this was never going to be easy and if he doesn't do it now, he is never going to.

"I'm sorry," he says with as much emotion and guilt as he can muster because he _is_ sorry, he is so damn sorry for everything and he hates that this is the only way out. "Ev, I am so sorry. But I-"

"No!" Even practically yells. Isak jumps, shuts his eyes that are burning with tears. "Baby, I'm not gonna let you do this."

Isak shakes his head. He feels sick to his stomach at the pain and desperation in Even's voice because he knows he caused that and he wishes he hadn't but he can't go back now.

It's better this way.

"It's not your choice." Isak stands, turning away because he can't look at Even any more. It's too hard. This is _too hard_.

"Baby," Even breathes and Isak knows by his voice that he is crying and he hears the sound of Even's chair scraping against the floor. Even rushes towards him and grabs Isak's arm but Isak pulls away harshly.

He can't let Even talk him out of this.

"Don't touch me," Isak begs. " _Please_. This is hard enough as it is."

He can hear the hitches in Even's breaths, the telltale signs that he is crying and he would do anything to stop that if he could. But he can't.

He can't do anything but let Even go.

"You need to leave," Isak insists and he tries to sound forceful but inside he feels weak and pathetic because he is about to lose everything he fought so hard for.

"Isak, I love you." Isak wishes that was enough. "Don't do this. You don't _need_ to do this."

Isak sobs, turning back to face Even because he has to. Because this is the only way he can get him to leave. "And I love you. More than you could ever understand." Even runs his hand across his face, looking so fucking distraught and Isak has to get him to leave before he breaks completely. "But this- it isn't fair on you. It isn't what you signed up for."

"That's not your decision to make! I didn't fucking 'sign up' for anything. I didn't come into this relationship with any expectations. You of all people should know that." He looks so fucking desperate and okay, yes, Isak knows Even sometimes views himself as a burden. But this is different. Even can't help his illness. There is no magic cure and Isak wouldn't change him for the world. But _this is different_. He _had_ an opportunity to fight back. He had an opportunity to make sure this never happened and he was too fucking weak. "I mean yeah, okay, not everything has been perfect and we have definitely hit a rough patch but we can get through this." Even pauses, stepping closer. "Can't we?"

Isak wishes they could, wishes there was some other option. But if there is, he doesn't know what it is. "I don't want us to go through any of this. I don't want _you_ to go through any of this."

Even tilts his head, eyes wide and sad and brimming with tears. Isak's heart is in his throat, trying to choke him. "Then what _do_ you want?"

"I want you to go." It's harsh, Isak knows, but it has to be this way. This is the only way to get Even to listen. "I love you so much, and nothing- _nothing_ will ever change that. But... I am so fucking terrified that if we keep going like this, you'll grow to hate me and I couldn't handle that, Ev. It would _destroy_ me. So I need you to go. And I need you to try and forget about me and to find someone who deserves you. Someone who treats you like you should be treated. Someone less fucked up than I am. That's all I want."

Even looks so overwhelmed that he can't speak and that was almost what Isak was aiming for because this way, Even can't interrupt him. Because if Even tries, if Even really fucking tries Isak knows he will be able to talk him out of this. Somehow, he'll find the perfect words and the perfect actions and Isak will melt because he always does around Even.

"You keep fucking saying you'd do anything for me." He closes some of the space between them, desperate to reach out and touch Even but that would reverse this whole process for him and he is almost finished. They are both crying and Isak knows how Even is feeling, feels it a thousand times worse because Even is his rock and he knows that he won't know how to cope without him. But it has to happen. He is doing this for Even. "So do this for me. _Please_. Get as far away from me as you can before I suck you in and destroy you because I am a black hole right now, Even, and you need to go."

A sickening silence fills the room. Isak can feel his heart pounding, can hear the blood rushing in his ears because he can't tell what Even is thinking and he hates this because why the hell is he taking so long to say anything?

After what feels like an eternity, Even swallows and straightens up, his jaw set tight. Isak clenches his fists with the anticipation, grateful for the pain in his hand distracting him from the heartbreak on Even's face.

"Okay," is what Even seems to settle on.

Isak knows he should feel relieved because this is what he asked for. But he just feels numb. This is it. Even is actually going to leave and Isak is going to be completely alone.

He knows it is his fault, but that doesn't make this any easier to handle.

Even says nothing more, just turns and leaves and that's it, they are no more and as soon as the front door shuts behind Even that realisation hits Isak like a ton of bricks and he wheezes, his legs buckling beneath him.

Even is gone and this is everything Isak had wanted to avoid.

But it is done and this is what is better for Even, and Isak is going to have to find a way to deal with that, as impossible as that sounds.

He breathes the best he can manage, which admittedly isn't very well and he forces himself to stand up. It's almost impossible, feels like someone is pushing down on his shoulders as he tries to stand upright and he does his best to fight against that. He has no idea how long Noora and Eskild have been gone or when they are due home, and he doesn't need them coming home and finding him crumpled in a heap on the kitchen floor.

He has been enough of an embarrassment as it is already.

He is not sure how he finds the energy to walk - stumble, really - back to his room. When he gets there he slams the door shut, wanting to scream or cry or grab his phone and ask Even to come back because he doesn't know how to be on his own.

But that can't happen, shouldn't happen and instead Isak forces himself to walk over to his desk. He rifles through a pile of papers and pulls from it the first thing that somewhat resembles a poster (which just so happens to be one of Even's many drawings that he does while Isak sleeps but Isak tries desperately not to think about that), then grabs some blu tack from his drawer and sticks the drawing over the hole in the wall. He feels sick whenever he has to look at it.

Or maybe that is the fact that he has just broken up with the person he loves, the best thing that has ever happened to him. Or maybe it is because almost twenty-four hours ago, a stranger had almost had his way with him and Isak can still, _still_ feel his hands everywhere. He still feels disgusting.

Isak slumps on his bed. He wants to sleep forever, never wake up, never have to face the world around him because what is the point? What would he be facing it for? Everything that just happened is still so fresh in his mind, so intense and he knows sleep won't come easy, if at all. He just wants to _not think_.

Without really considering, he pulls his laptop towards himself and boots up _Romeo & Juliet_. When he realises what film it is, he can't find it in himself to change it.


	6. there's a tear every time that i blink

Eskild - and presumably Noora - returns when the film is reaching its end.

Isak's cheeks are wet, his eyes blurry and burning and he isn't sure if he is crying because of the movie or because of everything else. At least he can use the movie as an excuse he thinks, just before there is a light knock at his door.

Isak hurriedly wipes at his cheeks and eyes as his door opens. Eskild pops his head through the gap, eyes immediately scanning the room and he has a small frown when he apparently doesn't find what he was looking for.

Isak curls in on himself a little, bandaged hand in his hip. When Eskild's eyes land on Isak, his frown turns into a small smile. A pitying smile. A smile that makes Isak want to curl in on himself more until _no_ _one_ can see him. Until there are no more pitying smiles because he just doesn't exist.

His heart pounds. He is not surprised Eskild pities him. He cannot even begin to imagine what he looks like. He could say that he is crying because Romeo and Juliet are currently dying on the screen in front of him but honestly, he hasn't stopped crying since Even left. Since Isak told him to leave. And he hasn't even been paying attention to the film as it is. The past couple of hours have gone by in a haze and he wouldn't have noticed that so long has passed if Eskild had not been so loud when coming home.

Eskild takes a step inside. "Where's Even?" he asks softly.

Isak flinches at Even's name. He forces himself to breathe evenly. "He left." He doesn't give any more than that. There's no point. There's no need to dwell on it because all that is important is that Even is gone. He is no longer here.

Eskild probably does his best to hide his surprised reaction but Isak still notices, and he also notices when Eskild frowns again and the pity grows. The pity that burns Isak's neck, makes him feel so fucking ashamed and he wishes everyone would just stop looking at him.

Isak doesn't want pity. He doesn't want people feeling bad for him. He doesn't want all of this attention. He just wants to be left alone and for people to stop smothering him because there is nothing anyone can do, so why bother?

Contrary to Isak's silent wishes, Eskild steps further inside. Isak wants to be annoyed but this is what Eskild does and Isak doesn't have the energy to fight him. Eskild might leave him be if Even was here to keep an eye on him. If Even was here, he would keep Eskild away. But of course, Even isn't here.

Eskild sits in front of Isak and Isak straightens himself up and shuts his laptop. He silently begs what gods there are that Eskild doesn't badger him with questions. Eskild is curious, and he likes to press for answers. If Isak refuses enough times Eskild will eventually back off and Eskild has definitely gotten better at reading Isak and figuring out when is a good time to keep asking and when is a good time to just let it be for a while. But these aren't exactly normal circumstances and even Isak doesn't know how to act, so he doesn't doubt that Eskild will be out of his own comfort zone.

"What happened?" he asks, his voice just as soft as enticing. It almost makes Isak _want_ to talk.

Isak swallows and drops his gaze to his lap. "We broke up." It's all he can say without his voice shaking and his throat closing up. It still sounds so foreign to his own ears, the fact that he and Even have broken up. They are no longer _IsakandEven_ , _EvenandIsak_. Because Isak may be young and it may sound stupid but ever since he has been with Even, he has never imagined being with anyone else. He doesn't let himself think about the future often but when he does, Even is always there.

Even _was_ always there.

Isak does his best to ignore the visible confusion on Eskild's face. He is fully aware that Eskild probably has a thousand questions because he would know that Even would never leave Isak like this, not if he had a choice. Isak must look worse than he thinks because Eskild just reaches forward and lays his hand gently on Isak's knee. Isak tries not to pull away.

"I'm sorry," Eskild says, sincerely. Isak knows he's sorry. Everyone is sorry and it is so fucking stupid because no one of them is to blame. Isak is the one who ruined everything because even though Even could look past what happened, even though he doesn't blame Isak, _Isak_ can't get past what happened. _Isak_ still blames Isak.

And no one can fix that.

"You should try taking a shower," Eskild suggests. He removes his hand from Isak's knee and Isak almost misses the temporary warmth it brought. "It might help you clear your head. Then you just get some rest."

Isak neglects to point out that he has slept most of the day because somehow, he is still exhausted. Instead he just nods because if there is even the smallest chance it will clear his head, a shower sounds good.

Eskild seems somewhat content with Isak's silent agreement. "Remember to cover this up," Eskild says as he motions to Isak's bandaged hand. Then he stands and walks away, only stopping in the doorway. "Don't let this completely overhaul your life, Isak," he says after standing in silence for a few seconds. "Even loves you. You shouldn't have to lose that because of one asshole."

Eskild leaves and Isak's heart hammers in his chest. He wishes that was true. He wishes he didn't have to lose Even. But he has never experienced feeling so powerless before and now he feels so fucking violated and disgusting and Even's love can't magically fix that. Even can't just make it all go away and that is the problem. Isak doesn't know how to make any of this better and Even shouldn't have to sit helplessly in the background.

So no, Isak _shouldn't_ have to lose Even. But he has lost him anyway.


End file.
